How to Have Healthy Boundaries with Family
Photo by @robin_rednine
I’d like to think many of us have been here at some point… You know that place where you love your parents but could use a heads-up before they show up knocking at your front door. Or maybe you’ve noticed how your typically adored sibling has been unloading more than you have the brain space for right now. And sometimes, it’s nice just to unplug and recharge—but doing so proves tricky when your neighbors start shouting over the fence the moment you step out for some air.
So, what can we do?
At first, we may try to conceal how we feel about certain unwelcomed behavior, trying to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes, treading somewhere between giving someone the benefit of the doubt and not being taken advantage of. This is a natural human response; as most of us can agree, leading with empathy and compassion is favorable when seeking an all-fulfilling way of life. However, we must shift our way of thinking toward the understanding that boundaries are not always a bad thing. Setting healthy boundaries is fundamental for any balanced relationship.
Just as the nutrition we feed our body affects all areas of our life, establishing healthy boundaries and expressing them with assertion can have just as much of a positive impact on our mind, body, and spirit. Learning how to implement healthy boundaries with those we are connected to—family or not—can also be reflective of our self-worth, and how we prioritize our individual wants and needs when met (or flooded!) with those of others. Strengthening this skill will not only enhance the relationship we have with ourselves but also our relationships with others. Here, we unpack how to have healthy boundaries with family members—and really, with all people in our lives.
Understanding the Family System
To say that the family system is complex is an obvious understatement. Would you agree? Within this intricate web lives childhood firsts, special bonds, holiday traditions, and an unforgettable collection of challenges and triumphs; simultaneously, it’s not uncommon to see strained relationships, unresolved conflict, personality clashes, and opposing beliefs, among others. Many of these issues can be spun so fine within this web, and are often so perplexing, that it’s difficult to pinpoint where they start and end. That’s because the answer is not always clear.
As unique individuals, we undergo different life experiences that ultimately influence our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Despite many of us sharing similar experiences, we perceive and process them in our own way. As a result, some of us may need to set boundaries more or less frequently, at different levels of intensity, with the reasons for doing so varying considerably.
While some family members or familial situations require the use of more severe boundaries due to health or safety concerns (which may also be enacted by protective services or law enforcement), many of us can benefit from paying mind to our limit threshold and implementing healthy boundaries with loved ones as we see fit.
Benefits of Healthy Boundaries
Setting boundaries is not always a straightforward process. We may need to re-examine, redefine, or reiterate them time and time again. Sure, this can be exhausting but upholding our boundaries is just as crucial as defining them. Initiating this conversation may feel possible right away, or it may take a few attempts to clearly and confidently express our needs. No matter how we arrive at this place, the benefits of setting boundaries are worth it. The people in our lives will better understand how we want to be treated and will be more likely to respect our transparency.
Here are some benefits that can arise when we set healthy boundaries:
Improved self-awareness
Decreased stress
Increased self-worth
Better communication
More trust in others
Decreased anger and resentment
Greater ability to solve conflicts
Letting go of people pleasing
Improved relationships
More compassion
Starting a Conversation
When you let others know how you want to be treated, you open up the communication lines and help others to be more comfortable doing the same.
Here are a few tools that could help you establish healthy boundaries with family members or the other people in your life:
Begin by prioritizing yourself. Remember that you are your own advocate and you deserve to have your needs heard and respected. While it is ultimately up to the individual to abide by the boundaries you set, you can decide what behaviors you are and aren’t okay with. If a family member does not respect your boundaries, you can also implement more extreme boundaries that protect your well-being.
Be kind and direct. Yelling, aggressiveness, or hostility in any form does not help anyone. When we initiate a conversation about boundaries, staying calm and assertive is vital. This gives others the chance to fully hear you without becoming defensive or argumentative. And if the conversation becomes too heated, it is okay to walk away or initiate the conversation another time.
Keep the focus on yourself (use “I” statements). Let’s be honest, talking about boundaries can sometimes be challenging for quite a few reasons. By focusing on only the things that you are in control of, you are less likely to go into attack mode about the wrongful or disrespectful actions of others. However, it is still important to be clear about your expectations even if doing so poses difficulties for another.
Be considerate of your time and others. Try to carve out a time to talk that works for all, making sure to give others (and yourself) the space to feel any emotions that arise. To avoid getting off track, it may be helpful to go over what you’d like to say beforehand. Remember—while this conversation is centered upon your needs, also be willing to hear someone else’s viewpoint.
It’s okay to walk away. There are times when a productive conversation is not possible and could cause tension to escalate. In these circumstances, it’s important to walk away, knowing that some fights simply aren’t worth the battle. This comes back to prioritizing yourself and sticking to what feels right to you. Walking away can provide you with a sense of relief instantly, knowing that you chose to protect yourself and maintain your boundaries.
Healthy family boundaries look different across the board but here are a few ways you can continue to prioritize your well-being and improve your relationships:
Avoid family gossip
Engage in self-care and mindfulness
Be willing to reframe your judgments and challenge your beliefs
Practice empathy and compassion (for yourself and others)
Setting healthy boundaries is not always easy, and at times may be painful, but doing so can ultimately enhance the relationship we have with ourselves and the people in our lives. We may set boundaries for physical, emotional, sexual, professional, or material purposes and hold different boundaries for certain relationships. Our boundaries can also change overtime. As we begin to free ourselves of people-pleasing tendencies, and embrace our authentic wants and needs, we set ourselves up for greater health and happiness.
References
Furlan, J., & Schneider, C. M. (2022, June 30). How to set boundaries with family - and stick to them. NPR. Retrieved November 6, 2022, from https://www.npr.org/2021/01/25/960423678/how-to-set-boundaries-with-family-and-stick-to-them
Setting healthy boundaries in relationships. HelpGuide.org. (n.d.). Retrieved November 6, 2022, from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm